I wrote this in my first trimester when I was about 10 weeks pregnant and only a week after the baby’s father stopped talking to me. I was scared everyday about every little pain or cramp. I know things can always happen in pregnancy that we don’t expect, but I have come so far since I wrote this and am focusing on only positive outcomes.
“Every time I pee, I check for blood on the toilet paper. Part of me hopes to see it. Part of me hopes that the last month has been some kind of crazy joke nature is trying to play on me. Part of me wants to have my period. Then there is another part of me, the one who is in touch with reality. The one who saw 11 positive pregnancy tests and knows that they were as real as can be. That part of me dreads seeing blood. You see, the painful breasts, the metal tasting mouth, the teen like pimples, the horrible gas, the heartburn, the headaches, the diarrhea, the urge to want to throw up most of the day, the cramping in my abdomen, my legs, and even my arms, are all what the doctors call “normal.” These horrible things happening to my body are the normal signs of being pregnant. They are healthy and are supposed to be part of something wonderful. However, if I see one spot of blood, I am supposed to call my doctor. The thought of having a child and raising it on my own is terrifying. The fact that I am about to change my entire lifestyle and my plans for the next 18 years is daunting. But the alternative, the dreaded miscarriage, is a hundred times scarier. All of the hope and dreams that I have begun to imagine and accept disappearing in an instant totally out of my control…”