dating, faith, Going Solo: Single Parenthood, life lessons, Uncategorized

things fall apart.

This morning I woke up and the sun was coming in my windows. I smiled and was so excited to start my day. Not only was it Friday, but I also had time to go for a good long run along the river after I dropped Bella off at school. I went downstairs, made coffee, and sat for a few minutes to meditate. I closed my eyes and thought about how good things are in life right now. I am going through a lot of changes and dealing with my past, so I can move forward. This work has been life changing and, at 41, I feel like I am finally figuring it all out. I was looking forward to a great weekend with friends and I felt genuinely good. I did my morning stretches and then made Bella’s breakfast and packed her lunch. I woke her up with the help of the Dixie Chicks and we both did a little dance as she got dressed and cleaned up. Once she was all set with breakfast, I decided to jump in the shower for a couple minutes. The nice hot water felt great on my aching shoulder and once again, I closed my eyes and gave thanks for the gift of hot water and time to enjoy it.

My peace was suddenly interrupted with Bella screaming, “Mommy! Come quick! We have a huge problem!!”

Since I know Bella can be dramatic and often freaks out even if the cat is just looking at her funny, I replied, “Ok, I’ll be out of the shower in a minute.”

She screamed again,”You need to come NOW! The shower is pouring out of the ceiling!”

“What?!” I yelled back as I turned the water off and jumped out of the shower, slipped on a bath toy, and fell flat on my face. Then, my cat appeared from nowhere and began licking my wet naked legs. Lovely. This is exactly how I imagine my life will eventually end, so it seems fitting.

“There is a waterfall coming out of our ceiling!” Bella exclaimed with a little chuckle as she ran into the bathroom and saw me scrambling to recover.

Wet and wrapped in a towel, I went downstairs and saw the damage. Bella’s toys and my rug were soaked and water continued to leak from the ceiling. This was not ideal, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my zen. I put my running clothes on, got Bella in the car, and we headed off for our day. Two blocks into our journey a large plumbing truck backed into our car at a stop sign. His truck was untouched, but my poor little car folded like paper and was nearly totaled. We both got out of our cars and exchanged information and I saw that he was a plumber. Naturally, I began telling him about the waterfall in my dining room and started laughing and told him it was pretty funny that I happened to have an accident with a plumber. He wasn’t amused.

Despite the fact that the front of my car was hanging on by a thread, I was determined to get Bella to school on time, so I decided to drive the one mile to her school. After I got her safely to school, I called both insurance companies and took the car to the closest body shop. While waiting for someone to look at my car, and to hear back from the insurance companies, I sat in the waiting room for two hours drinking the complimentary coffee and wishing I had eaten more than just a banana. The body shop informed me that my car was not ok to drive and that repairs would be three times my insurance deductible and would take at least two weeks to complete. They called the rental company and said I would be picked up in 15 min.

An hour later, I sat waiting and stressing out about the fact that I had $54 in my checking account and my deductible was $1,000. Not to mention I had an unplanned indoor pool in my dining room that needed to be addressed. It was now past noon, I was stressing about money, the rental company still wasn’t there to pick me up, and I had been awake for 7 hours and had consumed nothing but a banana and about 32 ounces of black coffee.

By the time the rental ride came and took me to pick up my car, it had been 5 hours since my accident. I was told on the ride that I was a VIP customer since my insurance company called in the request and that I would be in my rental car in 10 min. When I arrived at the rental company, there were about 20 people in the waiting room and I was told I would be helped right away and to stand by the front desk. So, there I stood hugging Bella’s car seat and my purse for the next 45 min. When they were ready to help me, my phone was dead, I was tired, hangry, worried, without my pain meds, and had started to feel very alone in all of this. I feel it is important for you to know all of this so you understand where my head was when following situation  happened.

As the car rental associate was checking me in, he went over all of my contact information, took my deposit, and then asked me for 3 references of people who could vouch for me. Looking back, I have no idea why they do this, but at the time, I just wanted to get my car and get out of there. I gave him my mom’s name and number, my boss’s name and number, and then, without a beat, I gave him my ex’s name and number. As he had done with the others, he looked at me and said, “relationship to you?”

I looked up at him, and in complete exasperation, I said, “Oh, he’s my ex. I mean I got scared, so I asked him for a break, so maybe we are just on a break. But, I think we actually broke up because we haven’t really talked that much since then. But he texted me back the other day, so that’s a good sign right? God. I really messed everything up, didn’t I?” Rental guy looks at me silently and slightly confused with his eyes bugged out and I keep going. “It’s ok though. He’s known me most of my life because we were friends before, so he can vouch for me if you need him to. He doesn’t think I’m a bad person or anything, you know? I mean I don’t think he does. I think we will be friends again, right?”

The rental guy laughs and says, “That. Was. Awesome! So, what should I put as relationship?”

“Can you just put ‘It’s complicated?’”

“I’ll just put ‘friend,’” he said as he shrugged, laughed a little, and typed god knows what in his computer.

I left my pride at the rental company and went directly to Bella’s aftercare to pick her up. I still hadn’t eaten. I still hadn’t gone for my run. I had now missed an entire day of work and my morning zen had been replaced with more caffeine than any person should ever consume.

When we got home I told Bella that I needed to be alone in my room for a few minutes. I closed my door, sat on my bed, and just sobbed. My house, my car, and my relationship status all just felt like a huge question mark and I had absolutely no answers for any of them. I try so hard to be strong for Bella’s sake, but today I just felt so alone in all of this. The house is my responsibility, the car is my responsibility, and this kid is my responsibility. I don’t usually whine about being a solo parent, but today is one of those days that I really felt it and it sucked.

After a few minutes, Bella came into my room, took my hand, and said, “Please don’t cry mommy. You can call the plumber and we will save up money and get a new car. Let’s eat pizza and have a dance party in the living room.” And that is exactly what we did.

IMG_8126

I always try to stay positive and pretend everything is ok, but sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes 

it’s just not funny anymore. Sometimes you end up with a broken car, a broken house, and a broken heart all in one day. Sometimes that is just the way life goes. Today it felt like life was slowly crushing my spirit in a vice. Then, a smiling little 5-year old reminded me that things will get better and dancing always fixes the spirit. And after 20 minutes of laughing and dancing around our living room, for at least a moment, my zen was restored.

“When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” -Buddha

written on February 22, 2019

Standard
Going Solo: Single Parenthood, imagination, life lessons, parenting, Uncategorized

snow day.

My morning began with my daughter dancing on top of me at 7am to Jazmine Sullivan while wearing a princess dress. I looked out the window and honestly couldn’t understand why the school district decided to cancel today. There were some flurries, but the roads were just wet. One of the downsides to working from home is that a “snow day” just means you have to spend the day trying to get your work done while your 4-year old runs around the house like a crazy person and uses you as her personal jungle gym. Every time this happens, I end up getting irritated with my daughter and the two of us end up in a screaming battle.

From about 8-11, I tried my hardest to get as much work done as possible while the television entertained my daughter. I had her help me assemble gift bags for teachers to occupy her, but by lunch time, she was getting pretty restless. We ate lunch and I continued to try to get work done. She was literally climbing the walls by 2pm and I was wondering if day drinking was kosher in this situation. By this time, the storm was dumping snow on us at a rapid rate and it was clear that this was a justified snow day and I would have to shovel at some point. I closed my laptop, dressed us both in multiple layers, and said, “let’s go play in the snow!” Bella’s eyes glowed with excitement and we headed outside with toys, salt, and a shovel.

She  immediately started running up and down the sidewalk in the snow, eating snow off our neighbor’s motorcycle, and catching snow on her tongue. I began shoveling the heavy wet snow and commiserating with my neighbor. She looked over at Bella who was laughing and chasing snowflakes with her mouth. She looked at me and said, “You know, I can’t remember the last time I caught a snowflake on my tongue.” She put down her FullSizeRender (7)shovel, looked up at the sky, and opened her mouth. A snowflake landed on her tongue and she closed her eyes, smiled, and savored it like it was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted. I stopped shoveling. I looked at my beautiful daughter running down our beautiful snow covered street. All I could hear was her laughter. I looked up to the sky and opened my mouth to catch a snowflake. A big fat wet snowflake hit my tongue and another went right in my eye, temporarily blinding me. I let out a teenage giggle and stood there, in the moment, and took in the taste, sound, and chilly air.

While my mind told me to go back inside and do more work, my heart decided that there was more fun to be had in the backyard. Bella and I finished up the shoveling, salted the sidewalk, and ran through the house to our little backyard oasis. We ate more snowflakes, built a very sad looking snowman, and laughed about the possibility that there might be yellow snow on our new snow friend’s back. Our dog barked in agreement(guilty little canine). Once the snow got so heavy that we could barely see each other, we decided to go back inside.

Inside, we assembled four puzzles, danced around the living room, played with our cat, and ate pizza and oranges. At dinner, Bella looked up at me and said, “I just love you so much.” And that was it. That is when I knew for sure that I made the right decisions today. Snow days have almost always been stressful. I always choose work over Bella and end up only getting annoyed with her. Today a switch went off in me that changed that. I put us first. I decided to live in the moment and to take in the blessing that a day together can be.

At bedtime I read her a couple books and sang the three songs we sing every night. She sat up and said, “Mommy, you left your phone downstairs!” I smiled and replied, “You know what? I don’t even care.”

Happy Snow Day! May we all have many more days like this to come.

Standard
Going Solo: Single Parenthood, imagination, life lessons, Uncategorized

Slaughter Beach

This morning was a normal lazy Sunday. My daughter and I woke up, went downstairs, and made breakfast. As we ate it, we stared at the disaster that is our house. Toys on every square foot of the floor, a pile of dirty clothes and about four piles of clean ones that were folded but not put away. The dust in the house spread across the light coming in the window and my daughter pointed at it and said, “Look, Mommy! Those sparkles are dancing around in the sun rays.”

A responsible mom would have taken one look at all of this and dedicated the rest of the day to fixing it. Instead, I looked at my daughter and said, “What do you want to do today?” Her eyes grew wide and she looked up at me as if she had been waiting months for me to ask that. “I want to go play at the beach with all the pretty stones and I want to take Dane with us. He needs to go to the beach.” I looked at our poor old dog whose ears had perked up at the mention of his name. He is nearing 12, has terrible arthritis that has destroyed his hips, he is recovering from lyme disease, and he is blind. She’s right. He does need to go to the beach. Despite the fact that it is early November, it was actually a pretty warm day and kind of perfect for the beach. So, we packed up a lunch, a bucket, a towel, and puppy supplies and headed out on the road.

When we got to the beach, we walked pretty far from our car and set up a little private space on the sand. After laying everything out and getting comfy, my daughter told me that she urgently needed to pee. So, we packed everything back up, hiked back to the car by the bathhouse and regrouped. 30 minutes later, we headed back to our space and set everything up again. Bella started to play with her horses making them castles and corrals out of sand and I went right for my phone. After about 5 minutes on my phone, I put it down and looked out at my old dog and tiny daughter playing at the edge of the water. He was barking at the waves and she was laughing at him and telling him what the ocean was. The sun peaked out from the clouds and the only other sound we could hear was the lapping of the waves on the sand. The closest person to us was so far away they were only a speck and the only boats were all the way out on the horizon. I took a deep breath and just took it all in. I decided to be present for a moment and it took effort for me to do it.

I looked at my old dog and remembered the day I brought him home as a puppy and about all of the different houses and people we have lived in and with together. I remembered him putting his head on my belly as I had my first contractions. I felt that feeling of safety he gives me. He has protected me for almost 12 years and I will lose him soon. He barely gets out of the house or plays anymore, but today, he was like a pup again. He played with Bella and slept on the beach.

I looked at Bella and smiled as I thought about the fact that this amazing little person came from inside me. It’s so crazy!! I still don’t totally understand it. This little funny stubborn girl who thinks she is a horse, talks about horses, plays with horses, and wants to read horse books, started as a tiny little bean inside me. That smile that lights up a whole room is part of me. And that feeling I get when I get her something she wants, like a day at the beach, is like nothing I have ever felt before.

I looked at Slaughter Beach. This hidden place we found one day by chance. It is covered in multicolored rocks in every size that have been smoothed out by the ocean. Pieces of sea glass hide in the sand acting as great treasures to be found by little hands. Coral juts above the surface of the water collecting tiny creatures that are eaten up by the bouncing sandpipers in search for a snack. The beach is far enough in the bay that the waves are small and friendly to children and old dogs. The people are few and far between. Most are scavenging the beach for sea glass and stones or simply looking for a quiet place to relax. Everyone takes the time to stop and talk to each other as they pass. It’s as if we all share a secret because we know about this beach, so we are already old friends.  Dogs are welcome and often seen. What an incredible place. 

 

Once I forced myself to take this moment and focus on the present, I realized just how lucky I am and I was filled with gratefulness. It was a connection to the universe, a grounding, a sense of worth. I decided that except for taking photos, my phone would stay in my pocket. I chased and was chased by Bella down the beach, I went on a treasure hunt with her and helped her fill our bucket with sea glass, shells, crab parts, and various colored rocks. I splashed in the waves with her, shared a picnic lunch, and soaked up what may be the last warm sunny day of the season.

Like any day, we had our troubles throughout the day, but it was otherwise a perfect day

FullSizeRender (6)together. We came home to our filthy house and I realized that a responsible mom might clean the house on a day like today, but going to the beach, letting go a little, and just appreciating time with my daughter is just as responsible. My guess is that my daughter will remember our days at Slaughter Beach, but our messy, dirty house will probably soon be forgotten.

 

 

Standard