dating, faith, Going Solo: Single Parenthood, life lessons, Uncategorized

things fall apart.

This morning I woke up and the sun was coming in my windows. I smiled and was so excited to start my day. Not only was it Friday, but I also had time to go for a good long run along the river after I dropped Bella off at school. I went downstairs, made coffee, and sat for a few minutes to meditate. I closed my eyes and thought about how good things are in life right now. I am going through a lot of changes and dealing with my past, so I can move forward. This work has been life changing and, at 41, I feel like I am finally figuring it all out. I was looking forward to a great weekend with friends and I felt genuinely good. I did my morning stretches and then made Bella’s breakfast and packed her lunch. I woke her up with the help of the Dixie Chicks and we both did a little dance as she got dressed and cleaned up. Once she was all set with breakfast, I decided to jump in the shower for a couple minutes. The nice hot water felt great on my aching shoulder and once again, I closed my eyes and gave thanks for the gift of hot water and time to enjoy it.

My peace was suddenly interrupted with Bella screaming, “Mommy! Come quick! We have a huge problem!!”

Since I know Bella can be dramatic and often freaks out even if the cat is just looking at her funny, I replied, “Ok, I’ll be out of the shower in a minute.”

She screamed again,”You need to come NOW! The shower is pouring out of the ceiling!”

“What?!” I yelled back as I turned the water off and jumped out of the shower, slipped on a bath toy, and fell flat on my face. Then, my cat appeared from nowhere and began licking my wet naked legs. Lovely. This is exactly how I imagine my life will eventually end, so it seems fitting.

“There is a waterfall coming out of our ceiling!” Bella exclaimed with a little chuckle as she ran into the bathroom and saw me scrambling to recover.

Wet and wrapped in a towel, I went downstairs and saw the damage. Bella’s toys and my rug were soaked and water continued to leak from the ceiling. This was not ideal, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my zen. I put my running clothes on, got Bella in the car, and we headed off for our day. Two blocks into our journey a large plumbing truck backed into our car at a stop sign. His truck was untouched, but my poor little car folded like paper and was nearly totaled. We both got out of our cars and exchanged information and I saw that he was a plumber. Naturally, I began telling him about the waterfall in my dining room and started laughing and told him it was pretty funny that I happened to have an accident with a plumber. He wasn’t amused.

Despite the fact that the front of my car was hanging on by a thread, I was determined to get Bella to school on time, so I decided to drive the one mile to her school. After I got her safely to school, I called both insurance companies and took the car to the closest body shop. While waiting for someone to look at my car, and to hear back from the insurance companies, I sat in the waiting room for two hours drinking the complimentary coffee and wishing I had eaten more than just a banana. The body shop informed me that my car was not ok to drive and that repairs would be three times my insurance deductible and would take at least two weeks to complete. They called the rental company and said I would be picked up in 15 min.

An hour later, I sat waiting and stressing out about the fact that I had $54 in my checking account and my deductible was $1,000. Not to mention I had an unplanned indoor pool in my dining room that needed to be addressed. It was now past noon, I was stressing about money, the rental company still wasn’t there to pick me up, and I had been awake for 7 hours and had consumed nothing but a banana and about 32 ounces of black coffee.

By the time the rental ride came and took me to pick up my car, it had been 5 hours since my accident. I was told on the ride that I was a VIP customer since my insurance company called in the request and that I would be in my rental car in 10 min. When I arrived at the rental company, there were about 20 people in the waiting room and I was told I would be helped right away and to stand by the front desk. So, there I stood hugging Bella’s car seat and my purse for the next 45 min. When they were ready to help me, my phone was dead, I was tired, hangry, worried, without my pain meds, and had started to feel very alone in all of this. I feel it is important for you to know all of this so you understand where my head was when following situation  happened.

As the car rental associate was checking me in, he went over all of my contact information, took my deposit, and then asked me for 3 references of people who could vouch for me. Looking back, I have no idea why they do this, but at the time, I just wanted to get my car and get out of there. I gave him my mom’s name and number, my boss’s name and number, and then, without a beat, I gave him my ex’s name and number. As he had done with the others, he looked at me and said, “relationship to you?”

I looked up at him, and in complete exasperation, I said, “Oh, he’s my ex. I mean I got scared, so I asked him for a break, so maybe we are just on a break. But, I think we actually broke up because we haven’t really talked that much since then. But he texted me back the other day, so that’s a good sign right? God. I really messed everything up, didn’t I?” Rental guy looks at me silently and slightly confused with his eyes bugged out and I keep going. “It’s ok though. He’s known me most of my life because we were friends before, so he can vouch for me if you need him to. He doesn’t think I’m a bad person or anything, you know? I mean I don’t think he does. I think we will be friends again, right?”

The rental guy laughs and says, “That. Was. Awesome! So, what should I put as relationship?”

“Can you just put ‘It’s complicated?’”

“I’ll just put ‘friend,’” he said as he shrugged, laughed a little, and typed god knows what in his computer.

I left my pride at the rental company and went directly to Bella’s aftercare to pick her up. I still hadn’t eaten. I still hadn’t gone for my run. I had now missed an entire day of work and my morning zen had been replaced with more caffeine than any person should ever consume.

When we got home I told Bella that I needed to be alone in my room for a few minutes. I closed my door, sat on my bed, and just sobbed. My house, my car, and my relationship status all just felt like a huge question mark and I had absolutely no answers for any of them. I try so hard to be strong for Bella’s sake, but today I just felt so alone in all of this. The house is my responsibility, the car is my responsibility, and this kid is my responsibility. I don’t usually whine about being a solo parent, but today is one of those days that I really felt it and it sucked.

After a few minutes, Bella came into my room, took my hand, and said, “Please don’t cry mommy. You can call the plumber and we will save up money and get a new car. Let’s eat pizza and have a dance party in the living room.” And that is exactly what we did.

IMG_8126

I always try to stay positive and pretend everything is ok, but sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes 

it’s just not funny anymore. Sometimes you end up with a broken car, a broken house, and a broken heart all in one day. Sometimes that is just the way life goes. Today it felt like life was slowly crushing my spirit in a vice. Then, a smiling little 5-year old reminded me that things will get better and dancing always fixes the spirit. And after 20 minutes of laughing and dancing around our living room, for at least a moment, my zen was restored.

“When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” -Buddha

written on February 22, 2019

Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s